30 minutes

Do you still remember Tatu?
the Russian "lesbian" duet?
today,while i was walking to my block,
you know,now days college life just plain bored,
being all alone, with a bottle of vodka,
no one care, no one give a damn,
just like a death man walking down the blocks,
this song shuffled in my earphones - 30 minutes.
its a pretty nice song,
somehow it fits to what i want to write about,
just a moment, in a blink of an eye,
things may just change tremendously,
you can change your state of mind,
and prove to yourself how silly you are wasting time letting your emotion controlled you,
to be mad or sad.

We human,just doing what human meant to do,
we are born with feelings & senses,
sometimes the stupidest thing may be the thing we really hoping for,
like,there are moment,
we just hope there will be somebody may show their helping hand,
to hold our hand when all we do was just screaming,
we hope that person can be so calm and wise,
showing us the bright light for the next step,
guiding us without hesitating or asking any explanations,
but just keep finding solutions for us,
and not placing blame and getting more angry toward our out-of-control moment.

These past few days,
things changed from bad to wonderful,
another way round,from wonderful to bad,
everything just happen in just a matter of minutes,
so fast till you got no time to think,
a session like this,seem frighten me a lot,
i hate things that i could never know how much i can handle,
or how far i could taking it balance.

Along with this song playing in my mind,
it changed my state of mind from awful to tears of joy,
it makes me flashed back the days when i'm in Russia,
one of the day,when i doing my training with a group of special kids,
those kids were amazingly smart and involved,
i still remember there were 2 girls played guitar for us,
the married couple teachers danced at the back of the class,
then, talked to us about the children background stories & education,
while feeding us with cookies and coffee,
it prove that language was not an issue at all.
i shed my tears again in a dark corner,
yet,nobody would ever care.

Sometimes you think you are so smart,
well, you are not,
and all you need is just a smile and a hand that calms you,
so,what for to being so tough & faking with that mask on?
all you can do is just wait and pay attention for those amazing state-of-mind-changing moments.

plain strangeness

I had never thought being back home would feel strange.

I'm back for almost a month,
instead of screaming out loud Home Sweet Home.
i feel so weird & strange by people around me,
i'm glad there is nothing changed,
but mean time it makes me feels a bit uncomfortable,
would it be i have changed & walk too far away from you?

When i'm still counting on my days to be home,
i expected home to be just like this,
just so familiar and warm and safe.
but i never thought it would give me such strange feeling.

while on my way home,
i was thinking & planning so many things to be done,
but now,all seem turn out so fearful.

Here, all gone my good old days.
going back to college i would never felt like before,
except busy with my classes, experiments & assignments,
all these while, i am all alone.
everyone all gone to different direction,
things just seem so strange,
college no longer bringing me fun & joy.
i'm depress.

And there, hurt me the most was,
they thought i was having a vacation.
i thought family gathering will be the moment i awaiting for,
indeed,i hate talking with some of you,
i'm sorry to say, you all are just way shallow then i thought of,
i cant blame you have such pathetic narrow minded & shallow knowledge,
if you think i am just having a wonderful 5-stars vacation over there,
then,what it feels when you got stuck with customs for 1 extreme night?
freezing cold, unfamiliar language & helplessness.
have you ever understand how i survive over there?
how i overcome my homesick?
how i breakthrough my hardship with nobody & just myself?
how many times i tried & fall & tried again over myself?
have you ever ask about my internship or just purely disgrace my ability?
i feels so hurt. so up sad. so speechless along my weekend with all of you.

i have moments when i'm alone,
i feel i'm not here,
i don't feel i belongs to here anymore,
i feel like "what? what am I doing here?",
it was totally not what i expected to get when i am home.
why it will be like this?
i'm scare,
everything makes me feel lost,
and i can only keep telling myself,
taking everything as it comes,then, there will be a solution in the end,
but,how long more?

Missing you boi

you guys still remember who is Muscle boi?
that naughty yet adorable little dog of mine,
i suddenly miss him so damn much,=(
its all due to my bad,my fault,
cause my house no longer manage to fulfill his needs,
mainly is lack of space for him,
as he is growing bigger & tougher day by day,
till the day i came back from Russia,
i hardly manage to carry him on my arms as i always do.
therefore..
i force to sent him off to a better home.
now kept me wondering,
is he eating well?
is the new owner pamper him as i do?
will they have that much of patient on him while he got seizure attack?
is he getting better over that?
all sort of wonder flowing through my mind,
i really miss him..
now i felt so weird & uncomfortable,
without him waiting at the door for me to come home,
without him waking me up in the morning,
without him being my audience while opening my mini concert in the room,Lol.
without him staying beside me while i emo & sick,
all i left now is just his teeth bite mark & scratches scar on my leg & arms.
hopefully,he really doing good there.
forever my si manja, Muscle boi..

knock knock,time for reality

Time just drifted away so fast,
and i am home for almost 3 weeks,
for the past 2 weeks was really killing,
there were like mountain of things i left out over the days i am in Russia,
cant believe it,
i am actually tried to squeeze 5 weeks materials in just 3 days & nights,
then,i headed for the exam on the exact week.
besides that,
i was so frustrated with the humid weather,
as staying there for 2 months i already got so used to the windy breeze.
it was all so insane!
but i guess,this was the paid off i gotta give,
after having so much fun over there.

anyhow,after all the hectic days,
when finally have a breath away from the reality,
deep down in me,
i really miss the days when i was in Russia,
i hate that phrase,
every meeting ends with good-bye,
but that was the truth i have to go through.
things i miss the most was those precious moments i shared along with the other interns,
we,people came from around the world staying under 1 roof,
shared everything together,
from bitter to sweet,
we are all unite & work things out,
it was the most amazing things i ever experience in my life,
i will never forget the days we,
solved all the hardship,
breaking the project,
our nothing-below-40% home party every night,
global cooking dinner every night,
and of cause the ladies!

therefore,
i really have no regret joining this project,
going there with my mission & i did achieved it with flying colors,
though,the ugly truth is we all may never meet again,
but at least i really did get full use of my time,
accept all the challenges & learn from it,
i kept telling myself,
it was just another pit-stop of my learning path,
meeting new experience & keep it roll,
that was all life about,isnt is?
even at the beginning was really torturing & suffer a lot,
but,i believe it was because all this hard ship that turns me into a new leaf.
Russia really change me a lot.
it was all worth while. =)
i miss ya Ufa,Russia.

Hip hip hikey

Just one day after i step my feet back to Ufa,
Anca host sister, invited all of us to join her BF & friends for hiking in Urals.
i guess it may not sound familiar to us, Southern Asian.
but,Ural its the longest & biggest natural boundary between Europe & Northern Asia,
fortunately,i'm staying in the state of Bashkortostan,
where the whole huge land of Russia, part of the Ural lays on this state,
therefore,it can be easily reach there by 2 hours train ride.

It was also my 1st time experience went for camping,
not include those high school leadership camping in some reserve forest,
have no fear of bears or wolfs may take you as dinner or even freeze at night,
but here,is Russia,it wasn't any tropical forest,
warm & comfy. therefore,
i would called this as a 'real' camping,
where everything you gotta plan ahead for yourself.
its another challenge for me.

All gear up & ready to go.

Presenting the Ural Mountain,
it looks like in the movie scene of Twilight dol,

on the way up.

Half way through..

Finally, reached our camp site.
Before the sun appear,

when the shy shy sun show up,

i did it.. hooray!!
i managed to step my foot on Ural Mountain,
challenge me, woo hoo!!

or challenge this Mr.wild rabbit, i wonder how he survive under this extreme climate,
definitely a tough 1.

Stayed there for a night,

it wasn't a good night sleep at all,

it rain middle of the night & our tent was wet,
then,it was freezing up in the mountain,
anyway, it was still a great experience,
but i don't wish to come back again,
it was something enough for once in your life time.

Happily heading home!