A piece of memory

another better side to be reveal,yet

2010-06-30T21:39:00.006+08:00

it's been nearly 3 years ever since my very 1st post,

time flies,

so fast like you have never been through it,

happy & sad,

everything passed by like a roller coaster,

how i wish it can just like a marry-go-round ride,

so slowly & gentle,

savor every moment peacefully.

dream on yea..

over years,

despite on the down side,

i did proudly gain myself become better,

the childish showcasing style,

should really throw away,

the disappointing,

the broken, the pain & the healing thing,

i got real tired over it,

forgiveness is the 1st step of moving on,

trying to dump it into the trash bin, i shall..

for a better writing & inspiration platform,begin here

www.pearlytanz.blogspot.come

we are all grown up

2010-05-22T22:04:00.001+08:00

the inspiration of today post was from a friend,

this thought went to me,

when i was browsing her blog.

this is the time we should grow up & learn to move on,

shouldn't let the unnecessary or any unwanted stuff dragging us,

it's all in your mind,

we create the problem, trouble & stress to yourself,

usually it drag the others around you as well,

if you don't choose to look it further,

how are you suppose to expect something from the others?

aren't we should start to pick up ourself 1st,

instead of blaming & swinging with the emotional?

shouldn't always lock yourself into your own thoughts,

despite of the unpleasant past,

but that is already the past tense,

the ending of the story have already stop there for a while.

should open to more choices & opportunities,

locking in your little world,

can never make you move,

instead it will only creating more hatred & blame,

upon anything that stuck in yourself,

or else, everything will back to square 1 & never change a step.

shouldn't because you been hurt once & live like dying,

i believe,

as long as you choose to live, theres always hope,

you don't see it now, does it mean you wouldn't find it in future?

living a life like a zombies,

treating your body like trash,

letting your soul un-love,

do you think thats a god creation?

you don't choose to give a chance for the sake of responsible of your own life,

does there is any ground to hope from others?

of cause,

that's just my own thinking,

i have no rights into telling you what you should do or not,

and i wasn't in any good shape to ask you to move too,

at least, i'm trying & moving.

we already grown up,

time is ticking,

time change everything,

you can't stand by there & being hopeless,

though the ending brings you so much unpleasant,

if you need a friend, i will still be there.

At time like this

2010-05-21T02:08:00.002+08:00

i wanna tell you something,

i wanna give you something,

i wouldn't wait till it's too late,

i really afraid regretting later.

if only one have the courage to break through it,

take out the courage to try & change,

a try often take a big & heavy step,

to change is almost reached the ultimate zone,

hardly we would feel excellent & comfortable,

when your foot is in a new environment?

it's never be easy.

we always carry a mind,

what if i'm wrong?

what if i fail?

your mind, your thoughts have been bombarded by fear,

probably, ego & pride.

if only one have the courage to fail,

aren't we always learn best from the hard way?

if a try could make a huge different, aren't it worth for a fail?

fall a few times, so what?

learn from where you fall,

at least you try & live no regrets.

sometimes,

the simplest words you say can make a big change in the end,

or maybe,

it would be another beginning.

but often your thoughts that bend you down,

and there the story ends forever.

worth it?

it is you that make it worth while

2010-05-18T02:06:00.003+08:00

Youth does not last,

time does not wait,
clocks ticking,

every second, every minutes, every hours,

before you could realize it,

it already pass you by,

and you are just left behind,

far behind alone.

you cannot reverse what you have lost,

future is yet to come & discover,

although, not everything in life are spoon feeding,

i learned it from the hard way, as usual,

you gotta fall, pick yourself up again & continue the walk.

i blamed,

i complain,

despite having so much time in thinking about those,

aren't i just wasted more time,

whereas i could do so much better.

at least, i try, isn't it?

i promise myself i have to treat myself better,

not like my life are now in terrible mess,

i always be faithful to what i have,

imagine somebody out there,

don't even have enough to wear & eat,

aren't they have much more to blame,

i think they don't even bother about what is emo, lonely,

keeping yourself alive,

there is always hope.

life is much more meaningful than staying in emo break down.

while us, having too much & yet still not enough.

we.. can't & shouldn't complain so much,

every word you blame,

think of someone else.

eventually, you will find some peace. i hope.

even the world going to collapse,

even if my every nightmare turn out to reality,

i still have myself to be strong,

at least i still live a life that i want to be,

and not just for the sake of someone else.

even in lifetime,

i fall, i got hurt, i bleed,

it never be fair,

but, i wouldn't give up,

future are in our hand,

the light is yet to shine.

dare to dream, dare to do,

life got no take 2,

just strike it all.

i still remember.

tomorrow will be a new day,

i will put a smile.

Paranoid me

2010-05-17T21:34:00.001+08:00

i think i'm just over reacted,

thinking way far beyond,

worried over some tiny little matter,

i can't help it,

that's me, Pearly Tan.

Today my precious,

seem great, eat, shit, sleep well,

manage to whack the whole bowl of boiled veggies,

no sight of discomfort at all,

and, i felt so much relieved.

this little devil,

completes me,

almost replace everything of mine,

i really love her,

so do my family,

we always treat her as human & not dog,

like a goddess child in da house.

and i know,

some how this is bad,

not about the over pampered issue,

we do discipline her & correct her naughty behavior.

the thing is,

she can't stay with me forever,

as you know, dog life is short,

there will be a day she will gone before me,

and, i just can't bear with the thoughts,

it frighten me,

that's the fact that i wish is never be true,

seeing her growing so fast,

deep in me,

i felt really reluctant,

it's like having a dilemma feeling.

wanting her to grow up happily & enjoy her life,

on the other hand,

this is the sign of she is aging.

now, she is 7months old,

a few more months later till she turns adult.

fearful enough.

see, i'm paranoid,

i shall just ignore those nonsense, right?

at least i will stop seeing her with a pity look,

that always keep me or maybe feeling depress,

i shall just cherish every moment i have with her,

and make her life fulfilled with all my love & care.

Precious,

please be healthy.

Little girl don't so naughty anymore

2010-05-16T23:54:00.002+08:00

Just now my precious Popcorn girl scared the hell out of my family,

she was nicely enjoying the cool breeze in my bro's room after a hot bath,

and it was turn then,

suddenly, my bro scream,

said that, Pop was puking & seem having difficulty in breathing!!

i got so scare & just ran out with only my towel on,

1st thing hit on me was, the Muscle incident, my previous ado

as she is still a puppy as well and i bring her out pretty often too,

my mind just can't stop thinking of those bad consequences,

and i don't know dog CPR,

if it comes to she out of breath.

after a moment,

finally she gets herself puke the unwanted stuff,

and seem to be better again.

saw the amount of things that she vomited consider a lot for a little pup like her.

i suspected this causes by her naughty act in the morning,

when i was in the bathroom,

she managed to sneak herself into the kitchen trash bin,

and starts to have her stealing food galo.

it happened to be yesterday soup leftover,

it contains onions, tomatoes, carrots & pork bones.

as onions is poison to dogs,

some said, if gets serious, it may kill the dog too.

that's why i got so worried,

called the 24hours vet hospital, while i'm still with the towel on,

just hope for further instruction i could do at home,

all i got is a bag of disappointment,

not only they didn't consider much about my Pop conditions,

they don't even bother to tell me what to do,

but just wanting for the money sake,

cause i sent Pop for the night consultation,

it will charge double.

seriously.. geram betul!

i did punished her in the morning for acting such behavior,

hopefully she learned,

not just being discipline,

but, simply & wrongly ate something,

things like this happen again,

i doubt that i could take it anymore,

it breaks my heart & i tears in front of her.

lastly, 1 thing to make myself feel better,

the whole day she been behaving greatly,

no sight of discomfort,

the tough her lasted until the night,

after she puke it out,

just seem to be a little exhausted & went back to her little strawberry bed.

i should be less worry,

cause she is strong.

yes.. she is,right?

stuffed

2010-05-16T02:39:00.007+08:00

buried all the secrets under my skin,

hiding every thoughts behind my mind,

closing all the door for it to spill,

for it might hurt more than ever.

ain't going to pull back,

nor trying to escape the truth,

aren't i said, i will sacrifice a bit of mine,

at least i could create a greater happiness?

this ain't an run away.

i just holding a smile too long ago,

if there is something bad,

i wish it can be gone before i know,

i cannot hate it,

i cannot take it alone,

then, i just walk.

not everything deliver right on my face,

i search, i seek, i look for every opportunities,

it usually return me something when,

i fall, i hit ,i break my heart & my faith,

it usually took the depth of my hope to stood up.

when i felt my love have punished,

when i felt too ashamed to reveal,

i never claimed to earn a spit of pityness,

everything ripped me apart before i could fight again.

i refuse to fight,

remain silence in return with peace of mind,

i cherish the way how it should be,

for the greater joy i could bring.

a day of carrying a sun on my back

2010-05-15T23:10:00.002+08:00

if only dog can count & know this thing called calendar,

then, Popcorn must be counting everyday,

till the next Saturday to come.

despite, she don't know a single thing about it,

but, i believe dogs does have 6th sense,

i think she able to sense the time is coming.

as every time,

when i dress her up & pack her water tumbler,

she will damn excited & jumping around,

just can't sit still,

run to the door & bark non stop.

as if, screaming at me,

'can you be faster? don't have to dress so pretty,no one going to see you at the park, all the attention going on ME, ME & ME, i'm the prettiest!!'

as i promised her,

every Saturday,

i will bring her out to DPC for evening walk,

to meet more dogs & make friends,

expose more & run freely around.

so far, we never met any Sat was pouring heavily & postpone our outing, *touch your wood,

even like today,

the weather is insanely hot,

there was no wind at all, extremely humid,

yet, we still keep on with the promise,

1 silly owner & 1 silly dog,

both went for 2 rounds of walk,

with a giant sun above us.

it's insane enough,

i felt so dizzy & found a shelter branches to chill,

bought an ice cream too,

but, it melts within 3 minutes,

ends up unable to finish,

and share with my silly Popcorn.

at least, i help her to cool down a bit,

this greedy girl felt not enough & tend to eat the wrapper as well.

the side effect is bad enough,

my face & arms felt like burned,

all the way home she remain so quiet,

sitting on the passenger seat,

air cond blowing right on her & felt asleep.

while at home,

usually she will follow every steps i move,

now, she don't even bother to open her eyes,

she fainted or really in deep sleep,

i'm not too sure, lol

today, my little Popcorn really worn out.

Popcorn, are you up for tomorrow brunch at coffee bean with me?

the worst is yet to come babe

2010-05-14T23:52:00.005+08:00

feeling so unwilling to let go,

sad to know this will be my last weekend of holiday,

before i get back to the hectic routine,

indeed, it will be extremely busy.

my boss don't let me resign,

i explained & did told her my seem-to-be really valid reason,

yet, she still insist,

guess, she really satisfy having me in her center,

1 teacher for the entire grade with kids from all sort of problems,

basically i'm doing 1 man show for everything at all times.

though, its a short semester, only that 2months,

but, it is also because of short sem,

classes are usually really pack & lecture also very draggy.

how am i going rush through this period?

i will definitely no more time for myself,

& death by work, work & more work.

anyone want an immediate employ job?

here you can have my place..=)

whatever, whatever, whatever,

i can't be bother too much,

seem so hopeless to negotiate,

and mainly is.. i'm afraid of her ganas-ness.

i shall just wait & be patient,

till i really can't take it, after all it's just a part time job,

shouldn't stress myself so much, right?

and, i got employee rights too, right?

by then, if she still being so firm & i shall just cabut & run.

this whole thing just so depressing,

i already foreseen how sucky it going to be for the next 2 months,

till my lovely summer days to come.=(

even superhero also need a break, you think who you are?

2010-05-13T04:35:00.009+08:00

don't let your heart rule your head,

don't let your feeling control your thought,

it's always hard to find the shine,

when you're feeling down,

losing your strength to lift up from the ground,

everything seem heavy upon your shoulder,

that's not the way it should be,

and it's only get even harder to seek for the light.

dont' keep blaming over & over again,

don't keep taking everything over yourself,

no one can carry everything,

no one able to get balance in every where,

one day, you will fall,

every fall will straight to your face,

return with pain, tears & blood.

after all, aren't every forgiveness means giving another chance to yourself too?

sometimes certain things just not meant for you,

not even in our authority to control or even think about it,

it will only ends yourself with another bleeding heart.

care less is more.

gloomy gloomy clouds on my head

2010-05-12T21:18:00.004+08:00

is that time again,

where have to say bye bye to holiday,

grab your butt back to the 8am class,

time to arrange new timetable for the new term,

which i hate it so much,

i can't never get to take my major & minor together,

either sacrifice 1.

worst thing is, i'm left behind,

from the rest who already finished their major subjects.

supposed complete all the irritating minor,

and i'm off,

but, just suck to hear that,

it would never be happen, at least not for the another year,

sometime things just wasn't going just so smooth as it planned, huh.

is definitely a sad sad situation,

seeing people ahead of you.

who make me choose this path,

it is you that taking all the control,

who make me can't continue with this path,

it is still you.

blame who?

no comment.

after all Malaysia still fine, right?

* * * *

for i could create a greater happiness,

why not?

but, been lingering..

what if it hurts me?
what if i break down?

what if this everything push me till the edge again,

does all this still matter?

for everyone would be happy by then,

and i'm just myself,

that's not even big enough to find me in that crowd,

sometimes sacrifices is needed to make the world look better.

i'm feeling hopeless, senseless & helpless at all time,

i felt i'm so surrounded,

yet, i'm hollow & empty,

it's really doesn't matter,

i'm not that type of girl who just gives up just like that,

difficulties is my faith,

i always go through it, wasn't i?

it never change.

so why not take the chance,

do the crazy dance,

pick yourself for another try,

at least you put your feet once again,

else miss it & lost even more.

it's always hard,

it never once go smoothly with me,

each time just get another inch nearer to my limit,

but, i should have prepared for the worst,

i can stand again.

that's why i choose to walk it through,

instead of making a de tour,

shut my eyes, for i wouldn't see the pain,

shut my ears, for i wouldn't hear you shout.

me, the one to blame?

2010-05-10T05:29:00.006+08:00

i never get myself to understand or believe,

the youngest or the child will always to blame for,

yet, the oldest or the parents will always right.

are we really still living a life as that?

so, is it for sure the elder 1 are more growth up ,

therefore, have the capable to not be wrong?

while, us, the young 1,

immature & no 2nd thought in making decision,

so, we are always accuse as wrong?

i never believe you would reply me such,

thanks for your concern upon me,& family,

but, could you please set yourself clear before judge me such?

you didn't see the whole picture,

the beginning of the situation,

and jump into the conclusion,

i'm the heart breaker.

of cause,

i clearly know i'm her everything.

that's why i did so much try & effort to make her proud,

i kept to myself lots of things, & carry on all alone,

i don't even angry her.

you said she had a reason for she doing so,

i really don't understand,

for everything i did for her,

all i got from her is not enough, & sick of me,

should i still stand for her?

you think i'm the one should blame for?

why there is no one stand for me?

i'm so disappointed & sick it.

am i a heart breaker?

2010-05-09T23:03:00.005+08:00

Disappointment you shouldn't have done,

the things we did there,

and we could have been really happy,

you will have such memorable day.

you couldn't have done,
you wouldn't have done,
what a piteous thing, a hideous thing,

yet it just happened,
it will be tinted by the rest of our heart forever.

why can't you put yourself into me before you said so?

you never really take my effort,

for everything i done, you never be enough,

there have no limit for you to request from me,

aren't you get satisfy?

am i really that bad for you?

i'm trying so hard, to be the best that you could proud of,

i'm so afraid i will fail you & break your heart,

i dare not to sound a single pain i felt,

cause i care your feelings,

every steps i make,

i put myself into your shoe & make my decision.

do you ever bother to know?

ever since dad left us,

i learned to be strong,

but, under your eyes,

i'm just another rebellion, shallow minded & immature girl,

so, tell me.

with your thought already well set up,

where is the ground for me to show you my effort & improvement?

all i get is your rejection.

what did i get i return?

a unappreciated try,

a broken heart with an abandon soul,

left behind unseen.

with all my heart doing everything for you,

to love you, to respect you,

to make you feel you can replace dad,

i didn't ask for your return,

all i want just a look & appreciation from you.

yet, you return me with,

not enough,

sick of me,

& the never ending blame.

i wasn't angry with you,

i felt too disappointed,

this is so far i could go,

i'm sorry for such a failure creation of yours.

i love you, mom.

Happy Mother's Day.

the truth can't speak for its own,cause they are silent

2010-05-07T04:07:00.006+08:00

How's the feeling of passing everyday with a guilt?

how's the day going on with a smile,

& the night dragging on with a terrible nightmare?

life goes on with fear chasing my back,

every night without fail.

feeling death tired, yet, dare not to sleep,

too afraid of dreaming the same faces turning their back upon me.

why every time the person who give up in this game,

always been accused as the wrong & evil 1?

why can't just respect my choice?

or maybe have a look at my view,

before you judge.

there is nothing more killing than the word of month,

i'm weaken by all those things i saw & i heard,

i know. i should have faith with my choice,

and time will bring the memories on.

yet, i can't.

if you can judge me so,

thinking life is so fair & great to me,

why i felt i'm just like a murderer,

making me feels,

there is no point to apologies when you already killed somebody,

that's the guilt i carry on for my choice.

i take every single matter in my life seriously,

i mind & i care, everything & anything.

what make's you judge so?

the influence of martial art on girls

2010-05-06T23:34:00.002+08:00

can't believe that a bunch of girls can be so die hard for a martial art movie,

probably is the holiday effect hits on us,

no matter for what lame reason,

we must see each other more,

& hang out like no tomorrow.

upon yesterday sing K is not enough,

we went for movie, IP Man 2.

no comment about the show,

cause, it was way too great!

and i'm afraid i might ruin the show.

earn an applause upon that.

but,with us that don't really much understand about Wing Chun,

instead of watching Kung Fu,

we saw hot guy, his name called Ah Leong, Ip Man 1st student.

while people fighting real hot,

we were adding lots of dialog for the show,

*punch him,

*ai ya harder la

* wooooh..

*yessss..

*yerrr.. so bad..

even claps when Ip Man won. LOL.

that's how girls watch Kung Fu, you?

then,we went for dinner at Dragon-i,

it's been quite a while i have my Xiu Loong Pau,

you miss me, Miss Xiu?

cause i miss your juice so so so much. LOL..

next.. with dessert,

again, yesterday was so disappointing with the cake thing,

so, we change for Ice Cream,

since Haagen Daze & Baskin Robin, sound a bit expensive,

then, i suggested to have some new stuff yet delicious.

we headed to the Japanese shop next to Zanmai,

we had Japanese Ice Cream!

it feels like when we were small,

choosing Wall's ice cream from the kedai runcit,

bunch of girls,

weeh weeh wah wah,

open & close for many times,

so many varieties,

just make us get so greedy & don't know what to choose.

still enjoy anyway,

sitting right in front of Forever 21.

next what?

it's still early,

so, we gave a try on the baseball game,

batting cage.=)

sound so unbelievable to me,

cause i never once thought of going for a try,

from what i saw in those Korean drama,

the ball came really fast, & i'm too afraid it might hit my face,

probably it was after Ip Man,

effect of Kung Fu show,

so, we also became more ganas,

wanna whack something!!

scare here & there,

ends up still played for an hour,

hit air for many many times,

hit the ball for finger counting times.

whole body aching, especially the arms,

and a bengkak thumb hit by speed with 50 km/h ball.

despite the pain,

it was really addictive,

the moment you manage to whack the ball,

everything seem so wonderful,

who cares the ball hit your face. ahem..

Siu Mei, with her i'm so ready to hit you pose.

Peony, feeling nervous yet still wanna get a nice picture.

Abigail,just by this look,

if you're smart,then please don't mess with her,

she managed to make a Home Run.

no doubt is a sport women.

me.. ahem.. no comment,

i'm suck la,

injure my hand too.

but, i enjoy it alot,

cause i can look like a chicken little with this helmet.

*stupid lighting & phone camera, can't see it clearly.

scream shout sing

2010-05-05T23:40:00.003+08:00

I believe every thing in life brings consequences,

the globe are round,

you heard, what goes around comes around,

lately being reflecting quite a lot than usual,

thinking about consequences just like a mirror of yourself,

every thing we did, there is an outcome,

for it maybe good or bad,

it's still happen under your own creation.

everything has it bright & dark side,

when it's good, it shine like your only light,

while it's bad, it just like the soil,

cover you living under with no air,

one day..

it will definitely knock us down,

push us and buried us,

for now, it may absolutely fine,

i believe, there will be a day everything not just turn square 1, but negative.

* * * *

today should consider a good day,

ignore the waiting alone in Borders part,

while supposed to meet up at 3pm for the Redbox special cheap price,

though, going to the KTV to sing, never in my hype list,

i once thought it was sorta waste of money,

but, for this singing date with the girls,

we been waited for several months till able to match with everyone,

so, it was still worth for the wait alone.

ends up, delayed the sing K session to 6pm,

so, you can roughly imagine how long i had waited?

and bought 2 books,

can't blame it cause i was there for way too long.

The busy choosing song & the 'next song' girl.

The busy eating yet dying to sing girl.

after a crazy triple S session,*screaming + shouting = singing,

we were all starved,

had dinner in Kiku Sakura,

nothing much about this place,

ever since i tasted Kampachi,

all the Japanese restaurant in town just seem so crappy,

don't blame i'm spoiled,

go try it if you haven't,

then you will know why it was Kampachi fault.

a meal can never satisfy us,

went for dessert in Delicious,

where i called it the bad closing ceremony,

it was full house,

but,for no matter what reason, i got consumer rights too,

the service was so terrible, food was suck too.

attitude of their waiter & waitress just screwed up,

they didn't give us what we pay for,

yet, blame the pictures are not the same as the food.

mind that, the picture didn't state any label,

"image are strictly for illustration".

an After 8 chocolate with mint frosting cupcake taste like plastic with green color liquid,

Brownies with vanilla ice cream, when it reached us,

it look more light to a Brownies with vanilla milk topping, it was melted.

Cherry chocolate cake or something,

i think they should put it under 'healthy menu' or 'diabetic diet',

it was tasteless, but only a little sourness from the cherry,

while my favorite,

red velvet cupcake with cream cheese,

so much disappoint me,

cake with only red coloring & cream cheese have no taste of cheese.

seriously,

it wasn't us being mean,

we been to the other branches, it was all fine,

but, only this in Mid valley being so disappointing.

they didn't serve us for what we deserve,

and,

we have no choice for not paying the service charge,

so,

this is our tips specially for them. =)

the art of messy.

i know, we were being really mean & irritating,

for just to be sure we can go home with a big smile,

we have to do so.

when is the next drought come?

2010-05-05T04:35:00.006+08:00

Holiday are meant for reading,

chilling along movies & stories.

but, i guess i had read the wrong materials,

which sorta leads me into a deep thoughts & emotional.

i have just spend a night into tears & tons of imaginations that fears me,

how stupid can i be, then pushing myself into the dam again?

trust me, it wasn't things that i could control.

i started with; The Time Traveler's Wife,

i got the book, while i was transit in Dubai last summer,

cause i saw the trailer in the earlier on flight,

no doubt, i'm a No.1 fan for romance,

i always heart those kind of movies,

though, it wasn't any blockbuster or having any famous stars,sometimes,

i believe, is the story thats matter,

and, romance never fails me,

i know usually are not so happy ending,tho,

it some how leads me into many kinds of thoughts.

i watched the movie once it was out,

pouring tears,in a late night show.

just like before,

i read the book & watched the movie once again,

and, i just can't stop crying over the same scene,

probably, i'm just into the mood of crying?

sometimes when destiny has fallen on you,

you just can't escape, can't take any control over it,

even if that is a bad & unlucky 1,

or it might be your disaster,

despite knowing & accepting the fact is tough,

fact is fact, you can't change it,

you really wanna live in blame & miserable?

while you still can seek the chances from your unlucky destiny?

it's so tough,

i wish one day my courage will raise again.

Next on my list was ; The Lovely Bones.

same, i got the book before i watch the movie,

it was a birthday present from J,

1 thoughtful gift,

but, i just can't get it, why you wanna give me such book that carry so much sob memories of my past?

i'm just purely curious.

this is the book that makes me cry almost every page i flip, at the middle part,

and i dare not to watch the movie,

cause i'm afraid.

i fear to let myself slip down the memories i been trying hard for years to buried,

but, not until just now,

i finally watched it.

the feeling wasn't that bad,

probably i been expecting too much or i'm just telling myself not to focus that point too much.

sound so much i'm just keep on buried & buried my feelings.

obviously, it doesn't stop me from thinking of it,

i was crawling up myself under the blanket,

feeling so wanted to scream & shout out,

the pain & loneliness inside of me,

i'm surrounded by people, but, i'm empty,

so stuck with myself.

all these years, i'm so fearful to hear anything about death,

i'm afraid , one day, the call i get is the same as that.

it's been 5years,

i been saying about this way too much & it seems no point anymore,

and it's the fact i been avoiding,

even for you or us,

i know, we are not supposed to look back anymore,

the road still have to go on,

and mom always say,

every tears we drop, it's like adding another burden into you in moving on your road.

because, i love you as much as you love us,

i will try not to tears,

because, you 're our guardian angel,

we will never count you as dead,

you will never gives up upon us,

and i should let you go,

i would try.

how many quality time you had spend with you dad?

while is still unlimited,

i hope you all appreciate & enjoy the greatest happiness.

A dramaful night outing

2010-05-02T23:16:00.004+08:00

my ears feeling so much pain &

i can hear lots of weird noise like,echo,

buzzzz…zeeee…buzzz...

like a bee treating my ears as its playground,

it's been the whole day,

what's wrong with my ears?

Yesterday celebrated Peony's 21st birthday,

with the girls, of cause & others.

1st stop,Potluck party at Fraser Place,

supposed i'm bringing Pizza, but,

due to some circumstances, i'm late,

like really really late,

and didn't manage to deliver on time,

so sorry about that darling,

but, Mei, your chicken wings always taste so great,

even it was cold when i reached. =)

it was a little awkward in the room,

not just because i was late,

people already done surprises,

done dinner,

done the dirty cheeky games,

even done with the cake!

then,the crowd also like,

the HELP gang & SEGi gang sitting in separate corner. lol

but, after a few as usual photo session,

we were all warmed up for the next stop.

we headed to Zouk,

it was really bored, at 1st,

the atmosphere just suck, didn't gave any great impression to me,

worst still we met a weirdo or should called him the pervert or psycho,

this particular very well groomed Botak middle aged Indian man,

he stand in the middle of the dance floor but not dancing,

every corner we move, he follow, & getting so close to us,

then,i saw him putting his own hand inside his pants,

with the disgusting smile.

that time was so so so pack & crowded,

everyone is like sticking with another,

but, he just did it!! grossss!!

thank god, we got some gentleman friends,

the whole night were like our bouncer,

taking very good care of the girls.=)

just so us again,

we have to search the fun through the shity moment,

so, to conclude,

we took lots & lots of uncountable pictures,

the birthday girl got her wish come true,

she was blessed with her friends & all of us had lots of fun.

its was 3am,

we headed back to the suite, to collect our car,

unfortunately, we met into 2 roadblocks,

the driver, which is the birthday girl's bf,

he didn't drink much & clearly responsible to sent us back.

but, the thing is, the car have 6 of us,

which this will make the cops have more reason to ask for "duit kopi",

everyone have no other thoughts, and ask me to hide under the sit of a Myvi.

great idea, cause i'm the smallest,

covered up with cardigan & their killer heels, lol.

i was worried ,what if the cops found out?

cause the cops requested all of the passenger get out of the car,

after a while, till i can't felt my leg anymore, it was so numb,

then the girls get back the car, but,

the guys gotta pay off in order to let us go,

at the beginning, it's already so so so so obvious,

all they want just money,

this is so shameful to live in a country with full of corruption. =(

it was a night full of dramas,

any words to describe it? nah..

returning to the ugly side

2010-04-30T23:46:00.002+08:00

nothing make promise,

that's really true indeed,

when things went well,

even the ugly piece of shit can be treated as the diamond from the sky.

but, on the other side,

when things went wrong,

here it comes the true color & faces.

letting the emotions taking control over our thoughts,

which that leads to another disaster.

does all these really what we wanted to be?

most of the time,

i believe is just we, yourself that too afraid,

afraid to lose,

afraid to be the 1 that be step from behind.

chicken out from the game?

i don't think so,

that's our ugly nature.

shame, lie, ego, pride,

the true humanity arise,

i should say, we human, do we really meant to be such?

it's ugly,

it's disturbing,

blame who?

nobody but yourself.

you should have learn,

no free lunch in this planet earth,

you choose to accept it sugary coated spike,

and should have already prepared to get stung 1 day.

i wish i really could just have that one last chance.

2010-04-30T04:36:00.004+08:00

i should have gone to my lovely dreams by now,

it was a lovely day with my dog,

had a great movie night with the girls,

yet, i wide awake at this odd hour,

toss & turn,

my mind just couldn't rest in peace,

every single bits of my life is never ever end by just a night,

for too much & too much.

i staring blankly upon the ceiling,

while holding the past in your hand,

and you know it would never help,

playing random songs from the comp,

and there hit my emotional to tears.

every time i faces this situation,

you're the only one that appear to me,

without your light,

life gets messier & darker than i could bear.

What does dad mean to you?

Dad's are often the most understood,

and the macho part of the family,

he is strong, realistic, rational & getting all the balance in the family,

people always say,

men have trouble displaying their emotions,

it is shameful showing their emotions,

that's not true to me,

i believe someone who can show his children emotions,

that's what i called a real man, a real father,

because sharing your emotion to is the greatest gift to his children.

i always believe,

if you ever able to find someone to share,

your sadness & joy,

your embarrassment & proud,

your failure & success,

that's the greatest gift from god,

ever since then,

i been picking up myself & start searching again,

the only person can be still is my dad,

i pray too much & way too much,

it's just an question that never have it answer.

every nightmare i had,

i tears & pray i could get my answer,

every sleepless night,

i misses you even more,

till i fall asleep,

and this is still all i ever dream.

As I look back to see

i remember times we spent on random road trip,

things you thought me,

things you told me,

memories that belongs to us.

When it came to my biggest fears,

forced into a mandarin school just like a lost soul,
you came along to wipe away my tears,

practice writing with me, even though you know nothing.

You needed me just as bad as i need you,
you always seem to know when i need a smile,

we know how to make each other laugh,
we seem to always be on the same page,

you knows the best of me & so do i.

Time always the issue to us,

when i was young you often away from home for work,

when i growth up you were in another world,

i can never get the time i want,

i can't get enough of you dad,

it's never enough.

If i could get another chance,

i will choose to tell you everything in me.

if i could get the moment,

i will choose to write it in a never ending story.

because you never get the chance to hear me anymore.

I'm so thankful to be your daughter,

i know you wish you could give me the world,
but, i'm proud enough to be the Daddy's Little Girl of yours.

i still heart my blog,my words of thoughts.

2010-04-27T23:15:00.001+08:00

no one say being random is wrong,

since you already started that blog,

why you still wanna hold on with your inspiration?

aren't it suppose to be the spilling platform?

you said i being vague in my post,

i don't understand you either,

keep holding on in yourself.

* * * *

Here i am in holiday,

but, not too complete, as i still got a part time job,

which seriously potong stim!

i'm actually planning to quit, maybe next month?

i been teaching for 6months,

got the so called 'employee of the month' thingy,

increase pay a tiny bits,

the bond between the kids seem getting better.

but,

next term starts, it might clashes with my college time,

it's pretty far from where i stay,

quite jam in most of the time.

so.. should i continue or quit?

Back with my house princess Popcorn,

yesterday, i went to the pet supplied shop in SS2 with my mom,

it was terrible jam all the way up there,

cause i choose the stupid timing where everyone rushing back after work,

reason to be there was just to get,

her special brand of dog kibbles, eye care vitamin, shampoo & the cage.

yea..its a dog cage,

wasn't trying to be a cruel owner, to lock my dog up for the rest of her life,

but, my mom was suggesting to train her stay in the cage,

instead of my room, while we are out,

though, she don't really mess up the room,

but, she think it's not so hygiene stuck whole day in the room.

so starting with, putting her water & food,

to lurve her get into the cage.

lol.. it was seriously cute of her,

she was too afraid with the whole new metal thing,

so,she sniffed around the cage & dare not to step in,

but just standing outside the cage,

using 1 hand to touch/ step the base of the cage,

like testing testing around, as if might get electric executed, haha

really wasted not to record the video on how she attempt to step in & out,

so adorable & priceless.

hopefully she can get use to it,

and not bark till as if i'm sending her into the slaughter house.

the size seem fine, huh?

still got space for her to lay down, stretch, & move around.

recently i found something cool,

very yummy, consider healthy, & it's my favorite.

cause it replace my old artificial flavoring Chupa Chup's.

its an Organic Lollipop,

probably, it has been out for quite some time in Malaysia,

but, i'm all hype to get a box when i saw it.

it change your mind set, where healthy food are yucks,

it taste as good as your ordinary lollies & its way pure.

30 pops with 4 flavor,

Berry, Watermelon, Pomegranate & Mango.

even Popcorn loves it too,

as just now, i open it & accidentally dropped on the floor,

this little devil,

run so quickly & grab it before i could reach,

since she already lick it, might as well just let her have fun with it,

of cause i didn't dare to let her finish the whole stick,

later lao sai how??

but,i'm sure is not grape, no nuts, no chocolate,

it's a mango flavor lollipop.

Look at her happy face.=)

life is too short for you to rot,let's go out!

2010-04-26T23:07:00.002+08:00

just when you thought this blog is so death,

the author have came alive again,

after a break,ohh.. i should say after a real hectic week,

here again, she rise to blah more every tiny bits of her life.

let's start with my weekend,

it doesn't have any hype partey, yet..

it's pretty ordinary,

but,

it was whole lots of fun.

i spend both Sat & Sun evening in the park with Popcorn,

DPC is such a wonderful place to let your dog run freely.

besides, people are really friendly to pets,

they have such big space to train your dog 'fly ball',

but, Pop failed to do so,

she chase kite instead of the ball.. lol

again, who cares?

as long as my Pop enjoy & comfortable being there,

nobody giving her that 'look,there is a devil's child' stare,

and get to release some stress often staying home alone during the day,

though, she still a little frighten to meet new dogs,

people been saying,

due to i never expose her much to dogs,

she already treating herself like human,

therefore, afraid of her own kind.

would it be my fault that manja her too much?

cause even my mom who used to be very afraid of dog,

now,she treating Pop like her another daughter,

and we speak to her gently, as if talking to a real baby,

and she really understand & act as we thought her,

will she never get to understand dogs language in future?

then, she can't date anymore.. awwww Lol..

anyway..

back to the park,

the only thing she never fail me is,

make me get scratches from other dogs,

those dogs over there,

seem to get really excited when saw Pop passed by, lol..

they like have the urge to chase her,

of cause, my Pop is so scare & extremely shy,

she will hide behind my legs,

in order to protect her from letting other dogs jump on her,

i become the 'man flash Firewall' for her,

letting the dog jumping like mad in front of me,

scratch my legs,my hands,my neck,even my face,

see, such a big sacrifice.. hahah.

however,this little girl been staying with me for almost 5months,

the relationship that we bounded together,

is way much deeper than anything else,

till an extend i can't believe myself actually did lots of things or changes just for her,

so do my mom,

she got allergy to pets, but, among all the dogs i used to have,

only her melts my mom's heart & accept her absolutely.

she just like my everything,

and of cause i'm her everything. =)

Popcorn 1st time, putting her head out of the window to enjoy the wind breeze.

qualify for dog shampoo adverstiment?

Peek-A-Boo!

found my Polaroid kaki,

Sam, my cousin sista & her friend.. :)

we also met this 3months female Pomeranian,

she is so so so so tiny, round & cute!!

fully champion blood, cost 4K plus,

& also worth a Rm2.50 polaroid shot,lol

buuuu..

instantly, she got all the fame

& we just walk off to buy drinks at 7-11,

i scare Pop jealous i hug this cutie too much.

time to put a rest note in this song

2010-04-17T22:25:00.004+08:00

you can't denial the truth,

that how we live now,

is reflected with what the olden days said.

giving disappointment,breaking ones effort and patient,

seem like a package for you.

you clearly knew it,

but, your glamorous pride & ego,

proving me it's more important than anything else,

of cause it does,

i had given more than enough upon you.

you thought it wasn't,

but making me like a fool.

1 mistake is okie, just get up from where you're & learn it,

but not the 2nd times,

that's just pure stupid.

unfortunately, you had just make me fallen into that category.

it's enough of this foolish game,

it doesn't bring any senses to me,

what's the point of telling me how much you feel?

feeling guilty & regrets now?

since your pride are so much more worth while,

why wait till this moment?

wouldn't you think is too much?

earlier on, i don't feel good either,

but, till this moment, i think i had enough,

i did felt sorry, but, let's move on,

don't you think everything is you that create it?

i didn't meant to create any drama,

honestly, i don't wanna be a that cold hearted one,

now, it really can't be bother,

should i say,

it been bothering me way too much before?

i don't know why,

cause what you showing me right now,

i can't feel much,

i hardly put on my sympathy,

all in my mind was how cruel you did on me.

i didn't meant it as an revenge,

if you really understand me, or before,

you would know it.

so, please move on & stop being a mess,

it doesn't help anything,but creating more problems to either you or people around you.

See those gorgeous eyes

2010-04-16T23:38:00.001+08:00

some times working as a teacher,

may just simply creating more stress to yourself,

some time i even felt so not worth it,

all i mean is just a part time,

earning some quick buck,

i'm not pay to accept all those attitude those kids throw on me,

i'm also not in any intention to change the world or any heroin position,

i just need a part time, which it feels better than showing your hand,

getting money from your mummy,

which i felt sorta sad ,

hello.. you're 21..

wake up & be a little financial independent.

well, that's what i thought, not precisely on any authority.

but,today while in the class,

i felt so touch by a 5 years old boy,

which also one of the most annoying & naughty one,

he told me,

he actually miss me,telling me please don't throw him to the principal, (my boss)

lol..

in other way, i thread him better be good in my class,

or else i will shoo you out again.

hahaha.

is this what we called 1 stone kills 2 bird?

our relationship got better, the class also seem quiet & manageable.

anyhow, it was still very sweet of him.

back home,

as usual

my Popcorn girl misses me like crazy,

she welcome me right at the door,

jumping really high,

excited till pee…as she always did.

then, my mom been complaining her fur seriously look not so in shape anymore,

and starts to smell like a dog,

cause poodle tears a lot,

& often create stains on the fur around the eyes,

those fur already covered up her cutest part,

pitiful dog,

i wonder how she see.

and also those little paws,

those fur is long enough to mop the floor,

therefore, make her drift when running in the corner. =)

alright, before i got complain as an irresponsible owner,

so, i groom her myself.

surprisingly, it works, cause she afraid of height,

probably is me that keeps telling her so stay stay be calm,

after a while you will be beautiful & pretty. lol

then,just place her on the grooming table,

and you can start.

save me 40bucks every month for basic groom like this,

i think i should also learn more online tutorial,

by then, i can save another 80 - 100 bucks every 4months for the full groom.=)

* mind me with my only lousy phone camera.

just 1 look & melts your heart.

the not so slippery paw.

full body shot.

what best than a sleep after a hot shower?

it could be better if...

2010-04-13T23:33:00.005+08:00

finally, is my turn for the speech,

which i have been waiting for almost a month,

due to the consistence delay,

a speech which possible to end within 7 weeks,

but been dragged till 13 weeks.

sadly, though it given me so much time to prepared,

yet, i still did it pretty badly.

while i'm standing in front of the crowd,

my mind went blank,

i couldn't recap things i wanna say into a correct sentence,

everything just full with errors.

i really shouldn't over judge my capability,

the content & topic i chose,

i thought i can overcome the emotion part,

i thought i can just make it as natural as possible,

that's what i thought earlier on,

but, i'm wrong,

the moment i stood there,

things just flashes back shoot right into my head,

the unbearable pain raise again,

just like a fresh wound,

there it goes,

i ruin my opportunity.

today,

wasn't any pleasant day,

i created a disaster upon my own grade,

and,

another issue also raised up my ultimate toleration.

therefore,

enough is enough,

enough of criticizing,

enough of pin pointing,

i had heard enough,

everything is over from the moment i step off.

you can win from your so called glory,

i'm not disappointed,

i believe people have brain to process the truth.

you can be a b*tch,

so do i,

but, i choose not to,

you accept the beautiful path to get down from the glamorous stage,

is just like tearing your own face,

showing off your weakness,

and i just simply earn better credits than just being what you're.

crapy monkey monday

2010-04-12T22:58:00.005+08:00

It wasn't just another Monday blues,

it was a bad bad Monday.

Yesterday late night,

i just got to know my presentation slot have changed to this Monday,

which it supposed to be next Monday,

i got no clue whether is my lecturer mistake or mine,

it was really clearly jotted on my journal.

however, there is nothing much i could do,

then just forced myself get up at 630am & be there at 8.

the sucky part was,

my brilliant lecturer didn't mention the venue,

so, make me run from Wisma to KPD then back to Wisma again,

just to get into the right room.

all sweat & panic with what to talk on the presentation,

and all i can remember was just crap,

i crap through the entire presentation, 15 minutes,

the awesome part was,

she don't even putting much attention upon my speech.

seriously..

FML.

Anyhow, at least i did settled with 1 subject,

no more assignment or exam with her.

while, i'm home,

i'm totally knocked out,

felt too frustrated & exhausted over the beautiful morning rush,

i went for a nap.

just when i'm half way,

suddenly i was awake with tears,

i hardly remember the whole dream.

i just remember i saw lots of familiar faces,

everyone were very happy with their company,

but, just me looked so much in pain,

i felt like someone is bullying me,

i search for help from those faces,

but, non of them give a damn on me,

people turning their backs over me,

being alone walking a very long path way.

it was really horrible,

after this nightmare,

my head just felt like bursting into pieces,

wanting so much to scream my heart out.

i think, i'm really having too much,

way too far from the balancing point.

does this help?

following rules is not my type

2010-04-11T22:15:00.003+08:00

Recently, i'm getting really laid back,

i tried flash back things that i had done through out the quarter of the year,

i found nothing i felt wow about,

i'm just like anybody else,

university student routine, part time, once-in-a-while gathering,

then.. what else i have earned?

most of the time,

i'm home, with my baby Popcorn,

she stare at me & melt my heart,

book after another book,

cup after cup of chocolate milk,

it shouldn't always like this,

who has stolen my passion?

no.. or it just me that have problem?

along all this ups & down,

i felt really exhausted,

upon all those things around me,

i'm always been squeezed in between,

left me no choice for myself, than just follow with your flow,

what is life about when i gotta lead it this way?

days after days,

months after months.

does love really the matter between this?

but, this wasn't my type of definition.

i'm tired of staying in a relationship,

i'm sick of putting myself into somebody else,

while you ready & set for the same goal,

put all your heart in,

did your best to make something better,

often ends up with just another heart broken.

while you found someone love you more than you do,

that wasn't always works as well,

some times over protected,

you felt so much in control,

that's will change a purest love into a nightmare ghost,

that hunting over you,

left you in restless & another broken heart.

love is not about how much effort you put,

you don't need to sacrifice either,

love comes, sacrifice is a form of willingness,

staying in a relationship is not about,

tolerance with both con's,

but, it turn con's into an acceptance.

love appear when both have 'click',

but not just pure ignoring the con's,

being patient & tolerance,

tell me how long can it last?

1 year? 2 years?

a long lasting love require more than just that,

passion & faith.

i'm not a kite tied with a string,

i am my own pilot,

i fly freely with my own route without being control.

for me, might meant everything for you,

but, you just wasn't mine.

i'm sorry.

Popcorn, truly rule the way

2010-04-10T23:33:00.001+08:00

Its been so long since the last time i bring Popcorn out,

seriously, i felt so bad upon that,

especially, since my bro went to Australia,

so, there is nobody help me look after her while i'm out,

and she was forced to lock in my room.

she will keep on barking *cry,

pushing the door so hard,

until she is tired & exhausted,

then fall asleep till i'm home again to save her.

i'm so headache now,

searching a way to train her to be more independent,

and able to stay home alone.

tell me how?

would it be i spoiled her?

then,she don't really have the chance to socialize with other dogs,

by far, she only have lots of human friends & not dogs,

therefore, she is very afraid when dogs come near to her.

pathetic huh?

i think, i'm sucha loser owner.=(

plus, dogs staying in Malaysia seriously kesian,

there are so many places i can't bring her along,

i mean, i understand mostly restaurant doesn't allow,

cause its Halal,

but, i don't get it, why parks can't bring dogs,

then where shall all of them go for run?

it just doesn't make sense & pure discriminate them.

i'm really hoping 1 day there is a sign showing,

Dogs Friendly / Dogs allow.

well, lets hope..

Here again, Saturday..

where can i go while i can bring her along with me?

i believe if there is a club that open for dogs as well,

i'm surely will be there.

Lol.. this idea kinda cool right?

dogs club too.

but, i know it wouldn't happen, at least not Malaysia.

so, around evening,

we went to Desa Park City,

as mommy was sorta interested with the houses over there,

probably there will be her retired house? never know,

the most important thing for me is,

DPC is dogs friendly.

at last she got the chance to get out of the house,

step her little feet on the ground of a park,

run freely without unfriendly stare by public.

i think probably it was the only park/township allow dogs,

so, there were so many of them,

you will not only see them running freely in the park,

those shops over there mostly were pretty friendly with her too.

me & mom even have our coffee in the Coffee Beans,

Popcorn also hugely welcome by the staffs,

i'm so happy to see her enjoy herself so much,

i think, i just found a new hang out place with my Poppy,

and shall make it as a weekly routine.=)

Toss in the garbage

2010-04-08T23:59:00.001+08:00

some time in some situation,

decision is not something that you wanna choose,

if there is an alternative,

how i wish it can be just let it be,

put it away & move on as it is,

some how in some moment,

it will return as how it was.

once you pick up this ending,

things will only flowing with the wind,

nothing can stitch back its broken heart,

nothing can repair this awful scare,

everything will left in memory,

days will still moving forward.

i wish you well & find the happiness that belongs to you.

simple is the essential that makes me happy

2010-03-30T23:43:00.002+08:00

Teaching would never be my life time job,

definitely,

erm, may be.

ever since i got this part time job as a teacher,

i never thought i would go far with my post,

after all, it is just a part time,

when next semester schedule clash with my job,

i still gotta quit it & get another 1.

but,things has just changed.

things just happened in this short 4 months time,

can't believe myself too much,

yet, it just happened.

and i just got the so called teacher of the month thingy,

imagine..

me = employee of the month?

funny huh?

i still remember once,

right after class, 10pm sharp,

i straight rush home & get myself ready for clubbing. lol.

from Polo T, jeans with a tag "Teacher Pearly",

teaching, guiding & chasing after some pre shooler,

the next sec i was in the club, partying.

drinking, screaming, sweaty dirty dancing. haha..

so crazy.

so wrong.

then, one fine day like today,

i got praised & a prize by my super mean director,

during our monthly meeting,

she don't used to be really friendly to her staffs,

and as usual all the students are scare of her,

and... ssshhh..

i often use her name to threat my kids when they refuse to corporate with me.

"you better finish your class work asap,or else i put you sit beside Aunty XXX & complete it ."

this is a super duper useful tool, my all time favorite. haha

i know this wasn't anything really hype about huh?

teaching Pre schooler like so kacang putih huh?

but, mind me, i'm sorta felt a little proud of myself..

just a little.

as this is my very 1st job that actually lasted so long,

working independently,

putting lots of effort, time & PATIENT into it,

and also 1st time,

getting direct contact with children facing difficulties in learning & so on,

same goes with their parents.

which all these makes me feel really fulfilling,

every class is a challenge,

as i gotta carry a class of around 30 kids,

from all sort of backgrounds,

all sort of problems,

some super smart, 5 years old doing primary 5 maths,

while a minority of them really giving me real tough time teaching them,

caught me into trouble,

chasing them around,

just too much 'happening' things happened along with my 'monkeys'.

while the moment i got this little appreciation,

all those blaming, cursing, screaming under my blanket,

angry till tears,

almost bursting patient moments,

all & everything just poofff...

blew away with that little gesture,

and lead me to a happy & joyful girl,

with a big wide smile on her face. :)

for a moment like this,

i felt myself as if flying in the air,

while i was hugging my Popcorn,

i even foreseen myself can be a very good mother. LOL..

as i can work so well with kids,

have enough patient dealing with them,

giving lots of care & love for not just for the sake of my job

then, look at my Popcorn laying nicely on my arms,

i almost spend half of my salary on her,

i willing to sacrifice for my daughter kinda thingy,

and she does give me reaction,

he actually hug me tightly,

aawww, is like the appreciation & feedback i got back from the hard work.

alright,

laugh, laugh, laugh, just laugh at me k,

this post is my 1st post since 2007,

i expressing my true feeling the most directly way,

no filter & just bla out loud from my heart,

i think i just literally telling the whole world,

i'm actually very easy gets happy,

nah.. cause i don't mind,

as now, i'm really happy.

Almost love, almost lover

2010-03-28T00:24:00.001+08:00

it's the heart,

afraid of breaking, that never learns to play the game.

it's the mind,

afraid of reality, that never grabs the precious.

it's the soul,

afraid of dying, that never learns to live.

it's the dream,

afraid of waking, that never takes a chance.

Goodbye, my almost lover,
Goodbye, my hopeless dream,
i'm trying not to think about you,

i tried to seek a change,

but,

things can't just let me be.
so long, my luckless romance,

so hard, my faithless hope,

my back is turned on you,

should have known all these just bring us heartache,
Goodbye, my almost lovers always do.

Earth Hour '10

2010-03-27T23:38:00.001+08:00

Despite on the global warming issue are pretty frighten me,

after more & more articles & videos i had gone through lately,

i'm really afraid of dying,

i'm wasn't Kia Si,

but,

seriously, think about this planet Earth going to end like that,

it never came across i wanna end my life just that.

However,i know, it pretty much can't make any big changes,

by just the minority people start to make a little changes with their daily,

to support & show their awareness to make the world into a better place to live,

though, it may not 100% works,

at least you do try,

who cares it's just a small change,

but you still do your part to save the Earth, right?

and, i think this year getting more people understand this awareness,

more campaigns, more news, more related things been going around,

i hope this is not just a sake of commercial or business tools,

where i think mostly are still regard upon that,

well, anyhow just hope it will only gets better each coming years.

for last year,

i couldn't really remember where i am & what am i doing,

but, this year its definitely meaningful,

i celebrated with my mom,bro & cousins,

having a simple steamboat gathering at home,

with switching off all the lights,

enjoy your meal under the candle lights.

family will never fail you,

and always be there,

bringing my day another shine.

Vague

2010-03-22T23:09:00.002+08:00

Sometimes,
you don’t need to ask a question,

you don't need to squeeze your brain out,

to get an easy answer.

to get on the road,

how it is going to be possible,

when all left in my hand is uncertainty.

why can't just speak?

Or should i fake it all over again,

or start with a declaration?
my soul is enough for this,
my heart is confine in thick cloud,
and I can’t seem to make it any easier anymore,

there is no wind to blew it clear.

The question appear again,

why, when & who going to make it clear?
i’m tired,

too tired to blame, to complain, to figure,

the more i do, the lesser i get,

i can’t utter a word because of fear
i can't just turn away, it will just worsen the agony.

If and only my heart could just speak to me,
i may see the light on my way,
but,

the heart & soul told me,

they are alone.
the mind is confine in thick cloud,

blocking my only light.

Chasing it ever since then

2010-03-17T23:12:00.001+08:00

Lately i wasn't having any good sleep,

getting so hard to sleep every night,

i'm tired physically,

but my mind just ain't going to stop thinking.

it keeps think ,think & think,

suddenly here,

suddenly i'm there,

wondering something that had been happened,

foreseen things may coming in near future,

my mind just seem so restless,

flooded with lots of question that i unable to get an answer for it.

i'm restless.

Every night turns into a nightmare,

I always dreamt of something bad turning over me,

people leaving me,

people giving the helpless face,

irritating noise been playing around my head.

I saw there were many people trying to pull me,

trying to talk to me,

trying to give me something or some sort of signal.

i tried all my strength,

i pull myself so hard,

but, everything coming to me at once,

the situation was too noisy & messy,

i felt so helpless,

i can't catch up with anyone,

while i ask them to wait,

no one wait & everyone turning away from me,

left me blankly in confusion.

I have seen myself in many paths, in many faces,

i did strung out with my life into this path,

what you meant along with this path,

i cant do the math.

i had enough of all sort of this,

things are just too uncertain,

sometimes, i'm just like a special lover,

sometimes, i'm just like the ghost hunting over everything,

but, needless to say,

all i come undone is for the path of ours.

i had been waited, tried, & alot,

i know i'm done,

cause there are people in this lifetime,

are not meant to be meet,

i had seen the truth.

Why me? & why now?

where there are too many things left hanging & undone,

the time passing so fast,

and make me felt so empty with the days,

in certain things,

i wish i could just be an ordinary girl next door,

it wasn't me to choose to be extra ordinary.

everything or anything,

all or nothing,

i'm just too afraid to face it alone.

Doing the old school way

2010-03-15T23:44:00.005+08:00

Actually i'm pretty much a not so up to date person with those gadget stuff,

see, you guys all so hype with the phone have WiFi access, 3G, GPS, anything & everything you can think of.

BB lah.. Iphone lah..

while i'm still using my sony phone which lasted me for 3years,

went to so many places with me,

been with me for so many up & down emotional conversation,

though, it is boring,

nothing good except call,text & a 3.2 megapixels camera,

but, it proved as a tough cupcake of mine,

drop into water & solid floor,

and still functioning.=) isn't it so amazing?

Anyway, at some time,

when i'm dead bored, searching for entertainment,

i still wish to upgrade my gadgets,

i don't go for torrent,

i don't play hot-in-town game, *except plant vs zombies. lol

i don't have cool sound systems,

i don't many cool & hits items,

until recently, i just changed my pathetic lappiez,

my cave women status just upgraded a little bit.

oh well, i really should take one thing at a time before the bank chase after me.

By that, of cause it never vanish away my love upon photography,

i'm interested but not too much like a pro with lots of lens carry on like going for war,

i love taking spontaneous pictures,

when people doing something or some unexpected event,

i love capture living things.

indeed of investing so much like DSLR,

needing so much technique thingy,

so, i'm think of get myself a Polaroid camera.

1 set, 1 click, & ta dah..

your picture is done!

just within a sec you can touchy your picture.=)

sometimes the old school way may add more fun than digital.

I think i'm gonna go eBay or amozon & check out for these camera,

who knows i may get a good bargain there.=)

This model called as Fujiflim instax mini 7s -Pink

Isn't it so cute & convenient?

instax mini in white.

This Kitty model called as instax mini 25,

where smaller than the mini 7,

i wonder if there have just in white or pink,

any color just without Kitty.

Break Broke Broken

2010-03-14T23:18:00.005+08:00

At last, i went for my 1st 3D show in the theater.

i know, sound sad right,

it's been ages since i longing to try on,

finally yesterday night with the girls,

we got the precious ticket for Alice in The Wonderland.=)

precious? cause it is really high demand out there,

at 1st i don't believe it,

but, while i tried to book online,

it was all sold out in for the 3 days advance slots!

as for my 1st experience on 3D,

it wasn't really impress me dol,

while the story line was pretty expectable, classic Disney production.

alright,i shall not comment about it too much,

just grab your butt to the theater & you will find out yourself.

but,i do found that there are getting more show in 3D,

ever since Avatar affection,

2010 is going to have a more 3D wave hitting the theater,

ohh.. i can't wait to watch Shriek in 3D.

Anyway, or anyhow,

tomorrow going to be a new week again,

ohh, i cant wait for holiday,

i wanna get out of this routine.

People offen being careless,

and some how or some what you hurt somebody and didn't realized,

while you get to know, it might be just a little to late.

You don't want me,
not really.
You think you do,
but you're deluded.
I am not worth it.
I have been broken,
turn me into a damaged goods.

You do come to realise this,

but break me further.
And I do break you,
damage you beyond repair,
just like myself.
neither of us want this,
which is why,

everything is broken,

not really.